


Yo Mama

by LeilaAngelica



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Everyone is a dork, Fluff, George the best goose, Hanzo and Jesse are married, M/M, Not Betaed, Roasting, They have evolved in to mega super ultra dork, We Die Like Men, it’ll probably make you smile wide, nerd, you know the drill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-24 03:37:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16632170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeilaAngelica/pseuds/LeilaAngelica
Summary: During a roasting tournament with Jesse, Hanzo turns a little ruthless.





	Yo Mama

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Don’t worry I’m not dead! I can only blame school for piling me up with work!  
> So here’s a quick little thing! I’m a bit busy so I can’t quite fix it up!
> 
> Enjoy!

"Hello viewers of the yo mama championship that I can’t post on YouTube ‘cus Overwatch is still pretty illegal!" Hana Song announced on one of the few good couches of Watchpoint’s mess hall.

"I’m your awesome, wonderful and fabulous host, Hana Song! With the equally awesome, wonderful and fabulous Lúcio Correia dos Santos!"

The gamer turned the camera of her Holopad towards her best friend, who gave a wave and two thumbs up.

"And with the adorable and the best boy- George!" Said Chinese goose gave a honk in excitement.

"Our competitors are no other than-" She turned her Holopad towards the first contestant.

"Our favorite- rootin’ and shootin’, cowboy from the west- who has no idea what a Pokémon is- Jesse McCree!" Clapping was heard as the gunslinger gave a bow.

"And the sassy archer from the east- the big ole grumpy boy- the man who boasts about using foot cream- Hanzo Shimada!" The archer took the liberty to crack his neck, earning a whine from his husband.

"Babe- y’know how much I hate it when ya do that." Jesse complained, receiving an apologetic look from Hanzo.

"Sorry-sorry," 

"Alright!" The gamer jumped from the couch. "Listen up! I don’t have to explain the rules of the competition-but I’m gonna anyways!" Hana pointed a finger at the competitors.

"It’s simple: Roast the other’s Mama until the biggest baby falls to the ground! No cursing any mama- and definitely no crude language! This is child friendly! Do I make myself clear!?" Hana shouted at the top of her lungs, giving the married duo side glances.

"Yes ma’am!" The responded at the same time, as if Hana was the general of the military.

"Good!"

She raised a red flag(Jesse’s serape).

"On your mark-get set-ROAST!!" Hana waved the serape around.

George honked in glee as he watched his papas get ready to spout complete nonsense.

"Yo mama is so UGLY, she’s the reason monsters hide under the bed!" Jesse roasted.

"Ohhh Damn," Lúcio whispered into Hana’s ear.

Hanzo smirked and crossed his arms, like it didn’t faze him.

"Your mama is so FAT, Pennywise couldn’t make her float!" Jesse heaved, clutching his chest, as if he’d taken a sucker punch to the stomach.

"Ohhhhh!" Lúcio and Hana roared, with George honking in amusement.

Damn, he’s too good! The cowboy thought to himself as he prepared another roast.

"Yo mama is so STUPID, when she wanted to play UNO, she took a Spanish class!" He retorted, earning a taken aback look from his husband.

"Ya Jesse!" Hana exclaimed, George honking in glee. Jesse’s smirk vanished into thin air, as Hanzo gave the darkest of smiles that meant he was officially done for.

"Your mama is so STUPID, she thought Jar-jar had pickles-pickles!" Jesse felt like he was roundhouse kicked into the face. He looked to his husband’s pleased form, chest heaving heavily, sweat beads running down his forehead. 

He was at a complete loss of what to do.

"Oh-snap!!" Hana squealed. Lúcio covered his mouth in shock, George giving a hearty chirp.

"What are you gonna do now Jesse?!" Hana whispered to him. "He used a Star Wars card!"

The cowboy cleared his throat and straightened himself, before looking his husband in the eye. Hanzo quirked an eyebrow, intrigued in what will happen next.

Jesse opened his mouth, everyone anxiously waiting for the roast.

It never came.

He collapsed onto the ground, covering his face with his hands.

"Why d’ya got to be so mean darlin’!" 

His husband walked over and crouched down to the cowboy’s level, before prying the taller man’s arms away from his face.

"Are you crying?" Hanzo gave a little chuckle, watching as Jesse pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. "I’m-I ain’t cryin’!" The cowboy huffed, eyes stained with unspent tears. Hana scooted over and gave Jesse a pat to the back.

"You didn’t even survive a round, LOL." 

She was hushed by the archer.

"Don’t listen to that meanie," He cooed, cupping the cowboy’s face and squishing his cheeks. "You’ll always be my winner." Hanzo pressed kisses all around his husband’s face, hearing a gagging sound from Hana.

"Well," Lúcio cleared his throat after quite sometime being silent. "You did win the competition, so here’s your prize!"

George came chirping through, with a bag of Skittles wrapped around his neck. Hanzo looked at both Hana and Lúcio with a deadpanned expression.

"Really?" The archer asked as he picked up his goose and removed the necklace. "I destroyed my husband’s will to live.. for this." Hana huffed in reply.

"It’s not our fault we can’t get out of this island just to get you a worthy prize."

Lúcio cut in. "And besides, the hot pockets were taken by Torb and Wil!"

Jesse smirked as he grabbed a hold of his husband’s prize, earning a bewildered look.

"Since ya don’t want this, I might as well claim it." Jesse licked his lips as he stood up to his full height.

"I didn’t say I didn’t want it." Hanzo stood up as well, barely taller than Jesse’s shoulder. Jesse stuck his tongue out. "It’s mine now!" He took off running, trying to get away from his husband.

It was like a man fleeing from a rogue Jaguar.

Hanzo tackled him to the ground, trying to get a hold of his prize.

"Give it!" Hanzo reached for McCree’s metallic arm, trying to pry open those tightly shut fingers, but Jesse would not give in. The archer tried another tactic, tickling at his husband’s sides. The cowboy shook with laughter, but his non-human hand remained shut.

"Hana! Lúcio! Help me!” 

The gunslinger cried for help in between laughs, yet the nerdy duo stood a couple feet away, Hana recording the whole scene. George honked in excitement.

"Sooo," The DJ began, nudging an elbow at his bff’s side. "Are we gonna do something?"

She shook her head. "Nah. Besides, this is way better than the yo mama championship."

And so they continued to watch as the old duo continued to fight over candy like children, Jesse’s laughter reaching beyond Watchpoint’s titanium walls.

**Author's Note:**

> Like what I do? Buy me a ko-fi! https://ko-fi.com/M4M6JLDL  
> My deviantart! https://www.deviantart.com/dork-with-wings


End file.
